Friends I have just made a startling discovery which I felt the overwhelming need to share with my brethren as soon as I possibly could divulge said information. As you know, I recently underwent an overnight stay in the hospital to repair my voluptuous, tantalizing and beautiful anatomy. As the nurses danced seductively in front of my cool, calm and collected eyes, I began to slowly drift into an unconscious state as the general anesthetic invaded my body. I awoke from my slumber a mere two hours later, slightly disorientated, and still unable to digest lactose. However, I must really accept that I lack this enzyme, as all my other wonderful redeeming qualities do in fact make up for it. And I read before that milk is really made of the tears of the devil, George Michael’s sweat. So yeah, bet you feel stupid now.

However, I digress my friends. I felt different as I awoke from my surgery, even as the anesthetic faded from my system. I was missing my hernia. I was missing the hair on my left leg. I still have my arms and legs and figures and toes. What was this change I was feeling? It was concerning me, and I felt as if this concern was a burden. I felt heavier and as if I was carrying a weight. I sat contemplating this and all the mysteries of life as I sat in the recovery ward of the hospital, even as I was transferred back to my own room. However, on my returning journey to my own room, I could hear music from the radio. The song in particular was in fact, “Swagger Jagger” by the monster churned out from the capital driven, soulless narrow minded brutes that are the X-Factor, Cher Lloyd. Hearing this song filled me with unspeakable anger and rage, and as I felt the rage begin to take control of me, I noticed three blades shoot from either of my hands. Ah I thought, I guess I’m Wolverine now too. Despite being the caped crusader and guarding the citizens of Gotham at night, it seems a simple mix up has now also left me with the abilities of the most celebrated of the X-Men, Wolverine. I was helped to this conclusion at this moment as I turned to see Hugh Jackman lying on a hospital bed roaring “I NEVER HAD A HERNIA IN THE FIRST PLACE”. Poor aul Hugh Jackman. However being an Australian, I am sure he is accustomed a lifetime of disappointment, failure and the inability to fulfill the potential that was placed upon him at birth. I also noticed that the claws now emitting from my hands had created a stir around the hospital ward. Many people were now looking at me, men in awe, and women with desire. This is usually how people look at me, so I did not notice an immediate change, although it felt re-enforced through the inappropriate amounts of titanium and metal that now revolved through my body. So after all, the surgery was a success, and I now have metal claws. However, as this whole post dictates, modesty is a core virtue of Jonathan, and therefore, I shall refrain from showing off my claws to those of you who cannot achieve such feats. You’re welcome.

 

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